I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
false alarm. still invincible.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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