I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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