had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
