My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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