upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
