Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
