my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
