in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
