I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
