I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
