you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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