two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
