Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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