If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
