My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
