remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
