the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
