how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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