that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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