I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
