Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
