My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
