I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
