I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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