FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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