The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
