walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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