My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
