We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
