you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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