your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
