Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
