Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
