Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
