There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
