You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
