I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
