We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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