There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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