I hate your face
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
