White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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