This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
