your thong is hanging out like whoa
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
