I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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