At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
