Your face is a jimmy john
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Alive.
So much puke
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
