does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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