OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
