had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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