"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
