i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
