Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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