My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
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.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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