So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
