i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
