Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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